I want to tell you something...I don't know you, but I'm going to tell you anyway.
Marketing firm guy #1: "So, if we get Sam to say that his BMX racing was affected by acne, he won't come off like a unprincipled insincere sellout?"
Marketing firm guy #2: "No, no...not at all."
Marketing firm guy #2: "No, no...not at all."
I'm losing my hair.
Have been for years now. A steady creep has left some sizeable bare paddock up the top end, if you know what I mean. A Widow's Peak has become some ruffles of hair hanging on to the mountaintop for dear life.
But...here's the problem. Please hold on, I need-- I need a tissue. Okay, I think I'm alright.
Here's the problem: it's affecting my confidence. It is. My confidence is-- is-- I can't say it.
Now, losing my confidence is a terrible thing. My confidence, man...it used to allow me to get out of the pool with the sexy woman in the one-piece looking on at my rippled abs. My confidence used to allow me to walk down the street with my work colleagues, all of us sharply attired in suits, and look back at the hot woman who just passed us, giving me a sensual glance.
My confidence-- it's abandoning me, jumping this Titanic like so many soggy rats.
What will I do without my confidence?
Okay, enough mockery
There's been this trend, the last few years, with Australian TV. All these baldness cures have exploded, and so have the ads which encourage people to buy them. And they all use the word, 'confidence', which apparently is in such short supply that it might soon be publicly traded.
There's Ashley & Martin where the guy in the white lab coat (he says he's not a doctor, so that's pretty shady) stands in front of a bunch of digital graphs and every time text appears, each letter appears with a beep
or boop sound.
Makes it all seem sciencey and serious right?
Because I used to think they'd just toss the hair of a young man into a cauldron, say a few spells and that's how they'd get your hair to grow back.
There's a couple like that. They go down in sincerity (and up in frivolity) 'til you arrive at the storied depths of Leimo which sounds so much like Lame-o that it just makes me smile.
Leimo is THE ULTIMATE HAIR RE-GROWTH SOLUTION!! ONLY $79.99 AND IF YOU'RE NOT SATISFIED WITHIN ONE MONTH THAT LEIMO IS THE ULTIMATE HAIR RE-GROWTH SOLUTION THEN SIMPLY RETURN THE PRODUCT FOR A FULL REFUND!!
Even if I were to dabble in witchcraft (the Leimo ad had no digital graphs or beep, boop sounds), I wouldn't waste the effort it would take to visit their website.
He's on TV, he must know where my confidence is
Then there's this other ad. Sam Willoughby, who's a BMX rider I had never heard of before seeing his commercial on TV, has a problem. He has acne. Well, had acne.
I immediately found myself developing a bond with Sam...you see, he-- he's had problems with losing his confidence too. He told me that when he got acne, it affected his racing. I can totally see how that would happen.
Men, when your confidence leaves you, you gotta understand how crushing it is. I can barely spoon my cornflakes some days.
Sam's issues ultimately have been dealt with and I pray that he never again has to deal with losing his confidence.
Now let's be real here for a minute. Let me just say this one thing:
Fellas, have you been so wussified that you'll fall for this 'confidence' nonsense? Have you totally abandoned the thought of being a man? What is all the metrosexual garbage still doing on our TV? What men have been so emotionally castrated that they fall for this junk and hand over their money to charlatans like these???
They couldn't even be bothered coming up with a name that didn't sound like LAME-O, for crying out loud!
I get that commercials are there solely to rip you off with stuff you don't need that never lives up to expectations. Cynicism 1, Naivety 0. Got it. The Big Mac never looks like on the ad. Caveat emptor.
(Brief side note: I am a retail mercenary. I will go into a store and bargain myself down to the best possible price wherever I can. Then I'll use that and do the same with the next store to see if they'll beat store #1's prices. And so on. They're ruthless. So am I. Side note over.)
But let's not abandon our dignity so much that we'll fall for the nearest guy on the street corner selling us junk we don't need at prices we can't afford. I mean, put your pants on and go to the doctor first, for goodness sake. I'm sure you would, I'm talking to the guy behind you.
Where's my foundation make-up?
There's a tedious pseudo-sermon on how men are being transformed slowly into women, but we won't do that now. Just know that it's manly to care about your appearance, it's not manly to worry about exfoliating your skin. There's a difference.
Just sit back, relax and watch the top ten Chuck Norris moments. That's how real men get down.
Mrs Speech is feminine, I'm masculine. We appreciate each other that way and the way that God made us. Individual and unique.
What really rubs my fur coat the wrong way is the people on TV shamelessly promote trash using shameless methods. See that video, at the top? Sam actually has a straight face. I'm not sure how he does it. Someone in the comments of that video said he made eighty thousand for that campaign. Maybe that's how he does it.
Men, your confidence is NOT tied to this rubbish! You can't possibly lose a race because of acne. See past the drivel and get on with your life. If need be, get over your hair loss, or acne, and focus on the important stuff.
I'm losing my hair, sure...okay. But my confidence exists independent of my 'hair loss condition.' Know why?
I have a cap.